ATATATATA!!!!!! 2-HIT COMBO!!!!!!
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!
TURTLES ARE IN A NEW MOVIE,
AND IT F**KING SUCKS!
THIS IS SINGLE HANDEDLY THE CRAPPIEST PIECE TURTLES MEDIA!
(UNWATCHABLE TOO!)
I'D RATHER WATCH THE NEXT MUTATION AGAIN WHILE BEING EATEN BY A KAPPA!
(EPIC FACEPALM!)
IT WAS DIRECTED BY MICHAEL BAY,
SO YOU JUST KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE FROZEN S**T BISCUT!
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!
SPLINTER GETS KILLED HALFWAY INTO IT,
BECAUSE HE'S A TOTAL ASS!
(I ALWAYS HATED THAT RAT!)
LEONARDO'S BLAND
DONTATELLO'S NERDINESS IS REAL CRASS!
(HE'S PRETTY MUCH URKEL!)
RAPHAEL IS A PLAIN ASS DOUCHE!
(HE'S ALSO AN ASS!)
MICHELANGELO IS LECHY LOOCH!
(CAN THAT EVEN BE A THING?!)
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!
THIS MOVIE SUCKS BALLS,
BURN IT WITH FIRE!
I was never a big turtles fan, but I know this isn't Ninja Turtles. It pretty much insults the franchise. This is as much as a turtles movie as that Guyver postcard that Matt Burkett (AKA Apollo Z. Hack) showed off in that one video heck you'd get more enjoyment out of listening to the classic TMNT theme for an hour and 40 minutes. Michael Bay makes the same mistakes as he did in the first 3 Transformers movies, but at least there you could kind of tell it was a Transformers movie. The turtles and shredder look nothing like how they did in the show, it even looks like the turtles used steroids just because, and all the characters (with the exception of 1 or 2) are bland, 1-dimensional, and stock (more on that later). The story is pretty much a ripoff of the first "The Amazing Spider-Man" movie, at least there it felt like a Spider-Man movie. Basically April O'Neil id following a story on the foot clan (who play out nothing like how they were in the source material) and 4 vigilantes known as the Ninja Turtles. They just so happen to be april's pet turtles from her younger days, they learn ninjitsu just because splinter found a ninjitsu book, and this whole movie is filled with plot holes, inconsistencies, and other less than enjoyable BS that ruins the movie. April is the main character (which could be interesting (telling a familiar story from an alternate point of view), bu they don't make any points on the Ninja Turtles as characters or as a franchise like they should when they do this type of thing) because Michael Bay can't write non-human characters for crap. Eric Sachs and the splinter feels like a character split in two, and they're less interesting as a result. The Turtles and splinter feel like one note characters with one personality trait and nothing else. The effects are cheap looking and dated, the Original Transformers movie from 2007 looks better than this, and the action is zoomed in and too eventful for it's own good, much like the Transformers movies. I have 2 more complaints with this movie, 1. The ridiculous amount of product placement, and 2. Making me realize that Hollaback Girl was a thing. SO THIS MOVIE GETS ZERO SHREDDER SUITS OUT OF 4, AND THE OFFICIAL ANONYMOUS YOSHI SEAL OF CRAP!!!!!!!! Guess what, they're making another one in a year, and it'll suck just as bad...
Remind me to talk about The Next Mutation sometime, it's better than this Chocobo Turd...
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